Sunday, March 10, 2013

43 cents and nothing but time

Usually people can't wait for the weekend, but being unemployed I dread the weekend. Weekends mean no new job postings, no emails from potential employers, stagnation. I try to fill my weekend with distractions, but this weekend I am so on edge I don't feel like doing anything. Instead I can't stop consuming stories that are not my own through the medium which offers instant gratification and works well with my presently short attention span--television.

As the moments crawl by I can see grains of sand slipping through the neck of an hour glass, and although part of me feels like I am wasting these grains of my life another part of me feels okay with that. It is kind of nice to witness time moving so slowly when usually it feels like the months are flying by. It's nice to crawl through a day. To fully feel every second that makes up a minute. To feel the length of an hour as I felt it when I was a child. Back then an hour was infinite. It's so peculiar that the passing of time can feel so different in childhood and adulthood. At what moment did that change occur? When did an hour become an hour and when did an hour start to feel more like a second? But perhaps these things don't matter really. Seconds, minutes, hours, these measurements are so empty. One doesn't remember every second of their life or even every day. One captures moments which may have lasted minutes or days in memories which are devoid of time, in which measurements of time are meaningless.

Early next week an email should arrive in my inbox, an email that will act as a catalyst. Once I receive the email my life will pick up momentum one way or another, but for now I putter around in the present and use expectation to feebly grasp at the future. In this state all I can do is wait, and during this waiting period I feel like cutting myself off from everything. I don't want to talk to people when I am wrapped in uncertainty. My mind is so heavily focused on this one thing that I can't bring myself to focus on anything else. Except cookies. I can almost always find the focus and motivation to combine science, creativity, and food in the comforting art of baking.

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Happy Daylight Savings Time!

7 comments:

  1. I know how you feel. Trust me.

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    1. AH! How did you deal with the madness?

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  2. I totally relate to not wanting to talk to people when I'm too absorbed with free-floating anxiety and uncertainty. Cookies!

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    1. Talking to people when you are uncertain and anxious is the worst! Usually there is nothing helpful they can say, and these conversations simply cause the feelings of anxiety to heighten. Also, why use my mouth to talk to people about uncertainties when I could instead be stuffing my mouth with cookies?

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  3. This is so elegantly written. I think about time a lot, perhaps more than anyone should. It's spring break for me, and so I'm really savoring the hours of not doing much, too (and watching one too many episodes of Seinfeld). And there is always time for baking/eating cookies, especially when they're chocolate chip!

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    1. Thank you so much, Emily!

      I also think about time more than I should. I often find myself meandering in the past or worrying about the future instead of focusing on the present. It is a terrible habit. I think the feeling I feel the most is nostalgia, and, unfortunately, I'm addicted to it.

      Good for you for savoring your spring break! I think it is important to have days where people don't do much: we all need time to recharge and one of the best ways to do that is with television and cookies :)

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  4. Love reading your blog. I just nominated you for the liebster award over on my blog!

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